starving2bloved

I haven't slept... but it is, alas, day 3 nontheless. And when I say I haven't slept, I mean I haven't shut my eyes and slipped into any stage of sleep for one second. Wide awake. The hunger is dull, those pickles help alot as I've said, going to try some ice chips on the advice of friends ;)!! Of course, my sleeplessness is not a mystery; I've downed an inordinate amount of caffeinated beverages. They fill the hunger at these critical times. I am feeling stronger. I looked in the mirror today, and call me crazy, but I think I can already see a shadow of a difference. It is one of those things that only you notice, everyone else just thinks you look nice that day, but I can tell...

 Starvation isn't flattering on many people, but for some reason I think it makes me look beautiful. My face is too round to become gaunt, so it sort of sets just right, that subtle glow that says it all. Proud of myself for the temptations resisted. I have to keep telling myself: No one can make you eat, No one can make you eat... And it's true. People will put pressure on you, and I cave all too easily under those occassions. My mind blanks under the aggression, and my excuses are gone, so I'm mumbling like an idiot and afraid I'll look guilty if I don't. I forget you can just say "No", and if someone asks why give them a dirty look and turn the interrogation around. It's none of THEIR BUSINESS... I have a guilty conscience, so I forget this. But, why should I feel guilty? The same people who would watch me under a microscope are the people who announced to me I was fat to begin with. Now that I'm an average weight they're satisfied, and want me to stop. I didn't start losing weight for them, I started for my own happiness, and I will only end for my own happiness.

 Thank you for all of the messages of support, they have helped considerably to keep me strong. It must always be remembered that we do not suffer alone. And what a temporary time we must suffer, if we only remain strong... it is the weak moments that drag things out, drag out the suffering. I can't wait to have the commitment to lose a rapid amount of weight all at once again! "10 lbs... keep going!...15 lbs, good, keep moving on...20, 25, 30..."
 

 STAY STRONG

 Well, today is still day One, read my previous entry for details about that. I'm just so mad, the instant I don't eat with my family, all they can talk about is food, offering me every goddamn thing in the kitchen. All I can do is try to convey I'm angry, it's none of their buisness what I eat. They freak out when they sense they don't have complete control of my life, and I hate them for it. Oh well, let them, it's just going to push me farther, so thanks for the help assholes.

 Had half of an apple today so far. My stomach tells me it's hungry and yet that it's full. I don't think I'll be able to eat the rest of it. It's pretty good though. I think I'm just so determined, my body wants to be full so badly, it's telling me it is. My body usually complies with me, it's my mind that betrays me. "You deserve a little reward... Eat this then work it off... a little treat won't hurt..." Those are the types of thoughts that have sabotaged me in the past. I've been watching lots of thinspo, courtesy of Youtube. So, a good first day, but I'll remain cautiously optimistic, lest arrogrance be my downfall, haha.

 Anyways, just wanted to write about how angry I was. I hate that my parents feel so entitled to control me, they've always done the dumbest things since I was a child just to establish that they are in control. They'd ground me for no reason, suddenly control my diet for no reason, put me down physically when they were unhappy with me. I used to be in great shape as a child... I was always very thin, yet they'd insult me and pinch my stomach. They also would laugh my teeth were too big, or not straight enough, that I had bad breath (Even though I brushed several times a day), that my feet were too big, I talked too loud, my voice was annoying, my hair was a mess-- you name it. Everything I am insecure about is a product of what they led me to believe. So,  yes, I hate them, because they are hellbent on my hating myself. The thing I had to come to realize as I grew up was that they were so off from perfect, I shouldn't let them talk to me like that. I became extremely angry in high school, they threatened to kick me out several times. After I called the police on them, they never put a finger on me again. After I began to return the favor, they stopped putting me down. But they are still control freaks, wanting me to wake up when they want me too (I purposely sleep longer when they try that), eat what they eat and when they eat...

And they tell themselves they are perfect. They act in disbelief when I was diagnosed with depression. "We were so perfect, why are you so wrong?" They can keep telling themselves that, they'll never have me convinced, I know the truth, as do my friends, as do my doctors. They keep me dependent, then make me feel bad for being so.... One day, I'll be free, but until then, small steps.

 I came out so wonderful, considering where I came from. I can't believe I turned out to be a nice person, a creative person, a girl who has people who love her, loyal friends... everything good in me, I crafted myself, it has nothing to do with them. They gave me nothing good, and I reject all of the bad in me from them. They don't have any friends, maybe they should ask themselves why. Yes, I am better than them. I've always been.